#Rethink: Judgement, Cynicism, and Love
Join us this month as we consider the judgement that too often comes from Christians, ponder the cynicism we feel as we heal, and explore the way true love sets us apart.
#Rethink - September 2022
Here we are at the end of September considering the judgement that too often comes from Christians, pondering the possibility that cynicism is actually a part of healing, and exploring the way true love sets us apart.
Is This Really What We Sound Like?
I listened to another Christian talk the other day. They were defining what it means to “really be a Christian.” I know they meant well, but as I listened I just felt discouraged. People who were not following the rules didn’t make the cut: they lived with their significant others before marriage, didn’t attend the right churches, or didn’t have enough fruit in their lives. I found myself wondering if this person knew that I often enjoy a good beer or a glass of wine. Did the fact that they were bolding confiding in me mean they thought I was good enough? Or were they trying to send me a subtle hint?
I went home to my slightly cynical but very wise husband. “Is this what we really sound like? I asked, “Is this what they hear when Christians talk?”
He responded with an absolute yes. Ug! It breaks my heart.
But friends, this was me. Until a few years ago, this was me too. I lived solidly in the Christianese bubble world. I worked to be a good evangelical pastor’s wife. I was great at judging your yoga pants. I too thought I could tell which Christians were real and which ones weren’t.
Discovering my own mess and the power of grace—thanks to a season of spiritual abuse—changed all that.
Grace is a funny thing. When you realize how much you have been freely given, you begin to give it more freely to others. And when you start to recognize just how much Jesus loves, you begin to love Him back in a way that changes you on the inside. But it’s not about following the rules anymore, it’s just about being set free. Suddenly other people’s behaviors don’t seem as important to me any more. I just care about their hearts.
What if Christians were known for their love and not their judgement?
What if we believed the Holy Spirit could convict on His own?
What if we really understood and experienced grace for ourselves?
This section kind of burned in my heart and there were too many words, so I also turned it into a blog post on my website if you are interested.
“When people attempt to move out of dogmatism tragically—but often it seems to be—the protective barrier is a form of cynicism.” - Dan Allender
I know it says something I’ve read, but we are going to talk about something I’ve listened to instead: it’s the most recent bonus episode of The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill podcast. On episode 18 host Mike Cosper has a conversation with author and therapist Dan Allender about spiritual abuse, narcissism, and trauma. I’ve listened to the episode twice and parts of it even more than that.
This episode is also a part of the blog post that came out of today’s newsletter and it will be a huge influence on tonight’s episode of Looking for the Real God. Dan gave me a word that describes the connection I’ve been seeing between modern Evangelical Christianity and my old religious cult: dogmatism.
This is it. This is what makes me cringe. It’s the unending certainty, the us vs them mentality, the “we are right, and you are wrong” theme that I’ve seen throughout the church, Christian culture, and politics.
But Dan makes some interesting statements that I can’t stop thinking about. As a trauma therapist, Dan explains that trauma (personal, cultural, and historical) brings uncertainty and fear. And when we won’t deal with our own hearts, the emotions we feel, and the trauma our bodies bear, we often turn to either indulgence or dogmatism. Substances, our work, or the accumulation of things may dull our pain for a while, but they won’t actually help us to heal. In the same way, dogmatism brings us a sense of security, but it doesn’t really deal with our fear and uncertainty.
Dan says this about people who experience spiritual abuse or religious trauma, “There almost needs to be a period of stepping back, and deconstruction. And sometimes cynicism becomes something of a necessity. To ask the hard question, “What do I actually believe? What is it that I would allow my own heart to say yes to?” An I don’t want to commend cynicism, but I also don’t want to say that it is the great danger that most people fear.”
There it is! Perhaps many people who are leaving the faith aren’t really leaving Jesus. Maybe they are on a journey to leave dogmatism and find truth. Maybe they don’t even know it. Maybe the cynicism we feel is part of our hearts beginning to heal as we step back and ask, “What do I really believe?”
I’m okay with that! I’m also learning to be friends with uncertainty, paradox, and mystery. How about you?
They Will Know that We are Christians by our Love
As I was pondering this newsletter and the conversation mentioned in the beginning of it, I remembered an old song from my childhood.
This little hymn was first published in 1966 by then-Catholic priest Peter Scholtes. He wrote it for the youth choir he worked with in St. Brendan’s perish on the South Side of Chicago. It went on to become the anthem of the Jesus Movement. I heard it as a child in the 1980s played on my father’s guitar.
As I listened to the hymn on my way to a coffee shop to start this newsletter, I found myself in tears. What have we done? What have we become?
Friends, I am learning to slow down, rest in obscurity and ordinary life as I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, and just truly love the people around me. I have opportunities to LOVE my students every day. It’s not glamorous, but it’s real. The other day I sat down on the hallway floor next to a girl who was in a ball crying but who wouldn’t talk. It was lunchtime. So we just sat together for a bit while she shook her head yes and no to my questions. Then I invited her and her friend into my room to have lunch together. We had 20 min. I never found out why she was crying. It doesn’t seem big or important, but it’s love.
I want to be known for my love not my judgement, for my grace and not my dogmatic opinions, and for the fact that my heart has been changed by Jesus Christ.
"By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:35
Thanks for taking a moment to #Rethink some of our religious traditions and beliefs. I know that it can be scary to deconstruct and reconstruct our faith, but finding the Real Jesus is absolutely worth it. As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts, questions, or comments.
If you know someone who would love to #rethink, please share!
Either forward this email to a friend or take a screen shot for easy sharing on social media. If you share, don't forget to tag me @christylynnewood.
Over the past year I've been helped by the reality that my confidence is in Jesus, not in having all the right answers. That's been so freeing. Your words bless me a lot. It's crazy how many of us are on similar journeys.
You give me a lot to think about. Thank you.