Christy...your example of the argument with your husband gave this entire reflection flesh.
You did not dismiss the unkind words, nor did you turn them into a verdict about who you are. You became curious about what was happening beneath them, allowed the Holy Spirit to expose the lie being projected into the present, apologized for the harm, and returned to the relationship.
That feels like the movement of *metanoia*.
Not simply, “I must behave better,” but:
“What was I seeing falsely?”
“What frightened promise did I believe?”
“How did that misperception shape the way I treated another person?”
“What does love require now that I can see more clearly?”
Perhaps sin is relational before it becomes behavioral. It distorts how we perceive God, ourselves, and one another. God becomes an authority whose affection must be earned. The self becomes a project that must be controlled. Other people become threats, obstacles, tools, or judges. The visible behavior grows from that distorted field of vision.
This is why curiosity matters. Shame says, “You are cruel.” Curiosity asks, “What happened within you that made cruelty feel necessary in that moment?” Repentance then adds, “Whatever its origin, this harmed someone. What does love require now?”
Curiosity does not excuse the behavior. It makes repentance more truthful and precise.
Your story also reveals that the alternatives are not unkind expression or silent suppression. Behavior-driven religion may teach someone to swallow the feeling and call the resulting quietness holiness. But when the Holy Spirit brings the wound and the lie into the light, we can learn to express what is true without projecting an older pain onto the person before us.
I also wonder whether legalism and license, though they appear opposed, can arise from the same covenant amnesia. Legalism forgets that we are already loved and tries to secure belonging through control. License forgets that we belong to one another and treats freedom as exemption from love. The gospel restores both identity and communion.
I would only add that grace is not opposed to effort or obedience. It is opposed to earning. Practice, discipline, boundaries, and changed behavior still matter, but they no longer function as attempts to make God accept us. They become our participation in the life the Spirit is already producing within us.
Sin is not healed merely by restraining its visible expression because it has already affected the way we see. The Holy Spirit restores our sight so that we can recognize the lie, take responsibility for what it produced, repair what was harmed, and return to communion.
Curiosity does not replace repentance.
It creates the conditions in which repentance can become relational rather than performative.
Thank you for holding responsibility and compassion together so thoughtfully, Christy. This is a freeing and deeply human account of what transformation can look like.
I loved this. Thank you. I came to faith about 6 years ago after not being necessarily raised “in church “ or anything but my mom was a professing Christian but was very controlling. I went on to become an addict and alcoholic jailbird as an act of rebellion until after facing two life sentences at different times over the course of that life I came to faith while incarcerated. When I got out, I joined an evangelical church and here comes the control again, just in a different form with churchy words. I managed to suppress some sins but struggled very hard with some and beat myself up and condemned myself more and more vowing to be better each time and failing again. Then I got married and carried that same hammer into my marriage trying to control my wife. It’s a never ending cycle and it’s so exhausting.
Once again, thank you so much for this. I really needed to read this exactly when I did.
Romans 8 tells us that when we are in Christ by faith, nothing can separate us from God’s love-not even our sins & failures. Should we try not to sin ?-yes. We are called to honor God in our bodies. But we shouldn’t expect ourselves or others to live sinless lives. God knows we are going to sin but He also promises to forgive us when we confess our sins (1 John 1:9) and invites us to come to Him confidently to find mercy and grace whenever we need it. (Heb.4:16). We are not called to grovel, abase ourselves or be wracked with guilt. We can ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what is going on in our hearts & to show us (like your example with your husband) how we need to respond. We need to take God at His word that we have been forgiven & that He( not we) is working in us. Prayer and reliance on the Holy Spirit are way more effective than any self-improvement plan. Always enjoy your work!
I loved this and it really resonated with me - made so much sense and I understand better why constant repenting rubs me up the wrong way.
One thing I'm interested to know if you have any thoughts on was this:
'What shall we say then? Are we to remain in sin so that grace may increase Absolutely not! How can we who died to sin still live in it?' This is the quote from Romans 5 in your post.
How would you think 'not remaining to sin' looks like?
I think it means that we don’t intentionally live in what we know to be as sin. Living in addiction when the Spirit can give freedom, or choosing to live in anything that is counter to Jesus—racism, misogyny, etc. We are given power and freedom and life…let’s live into that holistically! That’s what I think it means. Or something similar.
Loved this! It’s pushing me to flesh out some things in my own mind that I hadn’t thought through…It also reminds me of Brother Lawrence’s reaction to his own sin: he shrugs, repents, then tells God it’s on him to change him, then doesn’t let the thought trouble him again. (Paraphrase)
Although a hyper-focus on sin and especially certain kinds of sins can be used to shame and control others, when we focus on the sin in ourselves in the spirit of self-governance and fully reckon with how we hurt others through our actions, this is really the only path to humility. It is humility that leads us to embrace God, because we realize we need him. This is what is lacking in institutions, including Christian ones that abuse others--It's the pride and the refusal to sit honestly with the sin in ourselves. God is gracious, but he wants us to love God and love others--this begins with an honest assessment of ourselves.
I like the example you gave of your fight with your husband and how you walked in partnership with the Holy Spirit. I think some of our misconceptions of sin is because we don’t understand the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives. We should not fixate on sin, because, first of all, we are to focus on Jesus. (Philippians 4:8) But as we allow the Holy Spirit to lead us and guide us in the ways of Christ, He will convict us of sin. It’s not our job to play the judge and jury on ourselves or others. It’s freeing, because, God is doing the work in me. When He shows me how my heart might be in error I agree with God that it is wrong and turn from it. He then floods me with His peace and joy. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Isn’t it a wonderful thought to think that in Christ’s righteousness we are forgiven and cleansed!
One of the most profound pieces you have ever written, and saying much that needs to be said. You are coming on in leaps and bounds!
I have a question as a follow-on to this piece, which may even be worth another essay in its own right!
It's this:
While some Christians would say that 'The Bible Says' that 'We are Sinners', what is your take on that? Are we sinners? I appreciate that this depends on how you define the term, but I'm just wondering. I have my own take on it, but I won't express it right now so as not to influence your thinking. What do you think?
I think that we have been corrupted by sin just as the world around us has been corrupted. We are broken and don’t work correctly. But I don’t like that being our identity because before sin came, we were made in the image of God. Do we sin? Yes. Is sin bigger and more complex than we recognize? Yes? Should our primary identity be that of “sinner?” No.
Thank you! Sometimes just changing the language helps people coming out of religious trauma. I would love to trash the word "sin" altogether, because it is so heavily freighted with the layers of religious control and condemnation, self-hatred, and body-hatred that you describe well in this article. But that doesn't mean that I want to become callous either to the little or big ways in which I may harm other people, or that I am indifferent to large-scale injustices that people around me are suffering.
As an educator, I found that the book Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict, by Donna Hicks, gave me nonreligious language that I could both use in a public setting, and use to alert my own conscience to places where I might be tempted to violate other people's dignity. And then there is the issue of self-destructive behavior--which, by harming me, also harms the people that love me.
Although I have not become Greek Orthodox (my parents have), the Greek Church Fathers really help me here, because their whole model of God's relation to human beings is therapeutic and nourishing, rather than legal and judicial.
I used to work in a fundamentalist revival ministry where we taught kids that "sin is anything I think, say, or do that breaks God's law," and "obedience brings blessing." Of course, we were supposed to believe that salvation was a gift of grace, yet the views of sin and obedience were still transactional. I agonized over trying to be surrendered to God and trying to clear my conscience (like Gothard taught in the Basic Seminar). But it wasn't about acknowledging how I had hurt people and growing in relationship with them. It was about making the guilt and fear go away. But there is always more guilt and fear to be had when you are trying to avoid the disapproval or judgement of an abusive god.
Indeed it's not! I have invariably found that the very first thing that legalists do, when I explain my freedom, is to try to tell me why I should not be free. Well it doesn't work!
Great blog post especially as it transcends the normal perspective of that focus upon sin.
Although you didn’t mention it, I’ll throw in that I’m tended towards Original Blessing than Original Sin.
As Jesus’ death frees us from sin - as we are repeatedly told, not as we want to get fixated on it 😉 - I’m not so sure we need to constantly reflect daily upon our sin. I recall offering prayers at church services as a minister for the congregation, asking them - in silence, as if to put added pressure upon them - to reflect over the past week on what they’ve done wrong. Wow! But didn’t Jesus’ death free us from that? So I charged tack and we prayed for *opportunities* to see God’s world differently in the coming week.
Often those sins which are cited in Church are those things we ‘would never do’. The sin of being gay etc, the sin of addiction.
It can create a false hierarchy.
My personal feeling now is that we move onwards. As you mention, when we realise that a spoken word or action wasn’t right, then make amends with that person, but move on. Don’t dwell in that wrong. Jesus spoke of heaven on earth not constantly looking inward and feeling guilty.
Thanks for the video. Highly instructive. Helpful as I wrestle with sin, those who don’t know Jesus’ love, heaven and hell.
Christy...your example of the argument with your husband gave this entire reflection flesh.
You did not dismiss the unkind words, nor did you turn them into a verdict about who you are. You became curious about what was happening beneath them, allowed the Holy Spirit to expose the lie being projected into the present, apologized for the harm, and returned to the relationship.
That feels like the movement of *metanoia*.
Not simply, “I must behave better,” but:
“What was I seeing falsely?”
“What frightened promise did I believe?”
“How did that misperception shape the way I treated another person?”
“What does love require now that I can see more clearly?”
Perhaps sin is relational before it becomes behavioral. It distorts how we perceive God, ourselves, and one another. God becomes an authority whose affection must be earned. The self becomes a project that must be controlled. Other people become threats, obstacles, tools, or judges. The visible behavior grows from that distorted field of vision.
This is why curiosity matters. Shame says, “You are cruel.” Curiosity asks, “What happened within you that made cruelty feel necessary in that moment?” Repentance then adds, “Whatever its origin, this harmed someone. What does love require now?”
Curiosity does not excuse the behavior. It makes repentance more truthful and precise.
Your story also reveals that the alternatives are not unkind expression or silent suppression. Behavior-driven religion may teach someone to swallow the feeling and call the resulting quietness holiness. But when the Holy Spirit brings the wound and the lie into the light, we can learn to express what is true without projecting an older pain onto the person before us.
I also wonder whether legalism and license, though they appear opposed, can arise from the same covenant amnesia. Legalism forgets that we are already loved and tries to secure belonging through control. License forgets that we belong to one another and treats freedom as exemption from love. The gospel restores both identity and communion.
I would only add that grace is not opposed to effort or obedience. It is opposed to earning. Practice, discipline, boundaries, and changed behavior still matter, but they no longer function as attempts to make God accept us. They become our participation in the life the Spirit is already producing within us.
Sin is not healed merely by restraining its visible expression because it has already affected the way we see. The Holy Spirit restores our sight so that we can recognize the lie, take responsibility for what it produced, repair what was harmed, and return to communion.
Curiosity does not replace repentance.
It creates the conditions in which repentance can become relational rather than performative.
Thank you for holding responsibility and compassion together so thoughtfully, Christy. This is a freeing and deeply human account of what transformation can look like.
I loved this. Thank you. I came to faith about 6 years ago after not being necessarily raised “in church “ or anything but my mom was a professing Christian but was very controlling. I went on to become an addict and alcoholic jailbird as an act of rebellion until after facing two life sentences at different times over the course of that life I came to faith while incarcerated. When I got out, I joined an evangelical church and here comes the control again, just in a different form with churchy words. I managed to suppress some sins but struggled very hard with some and beat myself up and condemned myself more and more vowing to be better each time and failing again. Then I got married and carried that same hammer into my marriage trying to control my wife. It’s a never ending cycle and it’s so exhausting.
Once again, thank you so much for this. I really needed to read this exactly when I did.
I’m so glad you found it and that it encouraged you! Thanks for sharing. The control is so frustrating and exhausting!!
Romans 8 tells us that when we are in Christ by faith, nothing can separate us from God’s love-not even our sins & failures. Should we try not to sin ?-yes. We are called to honor God in our bodies. But we shouldn’t expect ourselves or others to live sinless lives. God knows we are going to sin but He also promises to forgive us when we confess our sins (1 John 1:9) and invites us to come to Him confidently to find mercy and grace whenever we need it. (Heb.4:16). We are not called to grovel, abase ourselves or be wracked with guilt. We can ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what is going on in our hearts & to show us (like your example with your husband) how we need to respond. We need to take God at His word that we have been forgiven & that He( not we) is working in us. Prayer and reliance on the Holy Spirit are way more effective than any self-improvement plan. Always enjoy your work!
Exactly!!!!
Hi Christy
I loved this and it really resonated with me - made so much sense and I understand better why constant repenting rubs me up the wrong way.
One thing I'm interested to know if you have any thoughts on was this:
'What shall we say then? Are we to remain in sin so that grace may increase Absolutely not! How can we who died to sin still live in it?' This is the quote from Romans 5 in your post.
How would you think 'not remaining to sin' looks like?
I think it means that we don’t intentionally live in what we know to be as sin. Living in addiction when the Spirit can give freedom, or choosing to live in anything that is counter to Jesus—racism, misogyny, etc. We are given power and freedom and life…let’s live into that holistically! That’s what I think it means. Or something similar.
Loved this! It’s pushing me to flesh out some things in my own mind that I hadn’t thought through…It also reminds me of Brother Lawrence’s reaction to his own sin: he shrugs, repents, then tells God it’s on him to change him, then doesn’t let the thought trouble him again. (Paraphrase)
Love this!
Although a hyper-focus on sin and especially certain kinds of sins can be used to shame and control others, when we focus on the sin in ourselves in the spirit of self-governance and fully reckon with how we hurt others through our actions, this is really the only path to humility. It is humility that leads us to embrace God, because we realize we need him. This is what is lacking in institutions, including Christian ones that abuse others--It's the pride and the refusal to sit honestly with the sin in ourselves. God is gracious, but he wants us to love God and love others--this begins with an honest assessment of ourselves.
This!! 😭👏👏
I like the example you gave of your fight with your husband and how you walked in partnership with the Holy Spirit. I think some of our misconceptions of sin is because we don’t understand the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives. We should not fixate on sin, because, first of all, we are to focus on Jesus. (Philippians 4:8) But as we allow the Holy Spirit to lead us and guide us in the ways of Christ, He will convict us of sin. It’s not our job to play the judge and jury on ourselves or others. It’s freeing, because, God is doing the work in me. When He shows me how my heart might be in error I agree with God that it is wrong and turn from it. He then floods me with His peace and joy. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Isn’t it a wonderful thought to think that in Christ’s righteousness we are forgiven and cleansed!
Yes!!
One of the most profound pieces you have ever written, and saying much that needs to be said. You are coming on in leaps and bounds!
I have a question as a follow-on to this piece, which may even be worth another essay in its own right!
It's this:
While some Christians would say that 'The Bible Says' that 'We are Sinners', what is your take on that? Are we sinners? I appreciate that this depends on how you define the term, but I'm just wondering. I have my own take on it, but I won't express it right now so as not to influence your thinking. What do you think?
I think that we have been corrupted by sin just as the world around us has been corrupted. We are broken and don’t work correctly. But I don’t like that being our identity because before sin came, we were made in the image of God. Do we sin? Yes. Is sin bigger and more complex than we recognize? Yes? Should our primary identity be that of “sinner?” No.
Superb. More or less exactly what I would have said!
Thank you! Sometimes just changing the language helps people coming out of religious trauma. I would love to trash the word "sin" altogether, because it is so heavily freighted with the layers of religious control and condemnation, self-hatred, and body-hatred that you describe well in this article. But that doesn't mean that I want to become callous either to the little or big ways in which I may harm other people, or that I am indifferent to large-scale injustices that people around me are suffering.
As an educator, I found that the book Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict, by Donna Hicks, gave me nonreligious language that I could both use in a public setting, and use to alert my own conscience to places where I might be tempted to violate other people's dignity. And then there is the issue of self-destructive behavior--which, by harming me, also harms the people that love me.
Although I have not become Greek Orthodox (my parents have), the Greek Church Fathers really help me here, because their whole model of God's relation to human beings is therapeutic and nourishing, rather than legal and judicial.
👏👏
I used to work in a fundamentalist revival ministry where we taught kids that "sin is anything I think, say, or do that breaks God's law," and "obedience brings blessing." Of course, we were supposed to believe that salvation was a gift of grace, yet the views of sin and obedience were still transactional. I agonized over trying to be surrendered to God and trying to clear my conscience (like Gothard taught in the Basic Seminar). But it wasn't about acknowledging how I had hurt people and growing in relationship with them. It was about making the guilt and fear go away. But there is always more guilt and fear to be had when you are trying to avoid the disapproval or judgement of an abusive god.
You described my own experience vividly and precisely!
It’s a vicious cycle and it’s not meant to bring freedom. 😭
Indeed it's not! I have invariably found that the very first thing that legalists do, when I explain my freedom, is to try to tell me why I should not be free. Well it doesn't work!
It’s such a small shift, but with a profound change in focus. Thank you 😭🙌🏽
You’re welcome!
Great blog post especially as it transcends the normal perspective of that focus upon sin.
Although you didn’t mention it, I’ll throw in that I’m tended towards Original Blessing than Original Sin.
As Jesus’ death frees us from sin - as we are repeatedly told, not as we want to get fixated on it 😉 - I’m not so sure we need to constantly reflect daily upon our sin. I recall offering prayers at church services as a minister for the congregation, asking them - in silence, as if to put added pressure upon them - to reflect over the past week on what they’ve done wrong. Wow! But didn’t Jesus’ death free us from that? So I charged tack and we prayed for *opportunities* to see God’s world differently in the coming week.
Often those sins which are cited in Church are those things we ‘would never do’. The sin of being gay etc, the sin of addiction.
It can create a false hierarchy.
My personal feeling now is that we move onwards. As you mention, when we realise that a spoken word or action wasn’t right, then make amends with that person, but move on. Don’t dwell in that wrong. Jesus spoke of heaven on earth not constantly looking inward and feeling guilty.
Thank you for the post
Yes to moving on!!
Thank you!
You’re welcome!
Most of these pious types, commit their own Sins behind closed Doors .
Yes 😭 and we keep finding out about it.
Lucky we do , so we can do something about it .