This Book I'm Trying to Write

If it's really supposed to be a book.

Photo by Patrick Fore

Chapter One: Beginnings of Rebellion 

“I think I’ve been brainwashed. The unexpected thought pierced my sleepy fog. It was after midnight, but all of us girls had been dragged from our sleeping bags for a special lecture. Clumped together on a couple of ratty old couches, we yawned and tried to listen. I was all too aware that my alarm was going off in less than six hours. Prayer meeting started at 6:30am, and if I cared about giving off a spiritual vibe then I needed to be there. Which meant getting up even earlier to shower, blow dry, and curl my hair, because for some reason curly hair was also a sign of spirituality.  

Mrs. W droned on and on about cliques and friendship, and I felt myself drifting off. Then she said it, the real reason this meeting had been called. 

“It just grieved my heart, to look out the window today and see you all playing in the snow. I couldn’t tell who the boys were and who the girls were since you were all wearing snow pants.” Her voice dripped with judgmental disappointment.  

It was true. At this winter youth retreat we were all wearing snow pants while we played in the snow. But it was shocking, and apparently deserving of a midnight lecture, because in previous years most of us girls, or at least the godly ones, had worn skirts or culottes over our snow pants to preserve our femininity.  

How do I explain culottes?  The first ones we wore were homemade and looked like an intensely gathered skirt with a waistband. However, unlike a skirt, if you grabbed the sides and pulled, voila, there were two sections of fabric, one for each leg. Over the years, our culottes shrank down to a slightly larger version of the modern gaucho. We wore them when a skirt was a health hazard, such as swimming, horseback riding, or downhill skiing. Downhill skiing in culottes, even skinnier ones, feels and sounds a bit like skiing with two flags attached to your legs flapping wildly in the wind.  

The ridiculousness of it all sank in. We had been dragged from our warm beds in the middle of the night to be lectured about modesty because we had failed to put another layer of clothing on top of our already poofy snow pants.  

I rested my head on the shoulder of the girl next to me and stared skeptically at the woman lecturing us. An increasingly familiar feeling of rebellion crept over me. I had always been a good girl—one of the godly ones—but that was changing. And surprisingly enough, it wasn’t rock music, or blue jeans, or college that was turning me into a rebel (like we’d been warned about). It was Jesus. 

Photo by Patrick Tomasso

Do you have a moment like this? When the lights turned on, the questions started, and the rebellion began? Or maybe it was a thousand little moments that ultimately led to one big bang—the scary realization that I don’t believe this anymore. My story might be on the extreme side of things, but I know that the questions I’ve asked and the doubts I’ve faced are common.  

The lies I learned in my Christian cult have twisted their way into mainstream churches, books, and sermons. They are familiar lies not tied to one organization or leader but spread across many versions of Christian religion. They are behavior driven lies that are motivated by fear and used to control. And while many times these lies claim to be backed up with Bible verses and even use the name of God or Jesus, they are not actually truth spoken by Him.  

When I first began to deconstruct my faith, it wasn’t even a word people were using. I just knew that it was necessary to dissect the beliefs from my Christian cult, look at them closely, go to Scripture, talk to the Jesus I knew, and determine what was false, twisted, or true. It was something I had to do. Maybe you feel that urgency too. 

I’ve gone through four major seasons of deconstruction in my life so far and most of them happened before the phrase became popular. But each time I have rebuilt my beliefs around the actual Word of God and the very real Being who found me when I wasn’t even looking.”

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These are the first few paragraphs of my book. The book I thought I heard God ask me to write when my son was a baby. My son who is about to turn eleven in a few months. It’s been a journey.

I still don’t have a published book. But I’ve spent the last ten years processing my story, sculpting my writing voice, meeting and talking with you all, creating a podcast (which starts back up next Sunday, Jan 15th), and finding my message. It might not have gone how I thought it would, but it’s been worth the time, effort, and even rejection.

One of the things pressing on my heart for 2023 is to finish writing the book—even if I don’t publish it as a book. I asked you guys to take a survey a few weeks ago about my tagline. But then I realized that the taglines I was messing around with didn’t really encompass my heart for the book, so I changed it. Your responses helped! Here is the new working title and tagline.

Religious Rebels: Seeking Jesus in the Awkward Middle Way

It’s not just me who is the rebel; it’s all of us. Rebelling against religion and empty traditions on one side, but also rebelling against human opinions and theology based on feelings on the other. Choosing to walk the awkward middle way of grace and truth with Jesus.

As soon as that title and tagline were on my paper, the words started to flow. I’m tweaking all of the written chapters to make sure they line up with my new theme and eventually I’ll get the last two-and-a-half chapters written at the end. I’m currently stuck on Chapter 8—not sure where to take it but feeling like it’s off. It’s fun. I like it.

I will keep you updated with what happens next, throw out some more pieces and hints, ask for input, and keep you in the loop. I love having people like you on my side, praying for me, encouraging me, and reminding me why I am writing in the first place. Thanks, friends; I couldn’t do it without you.

Here’s to 2023 and whatever surprises and adventures it brings our way!

You can also find me on Instagram, Facebook, my website, and on my podcast Looking for the Real God. I’d love to connect with you on any of these places!