I can relate to so much of what you've said. The first step to healing for me was choosing to trust one couple and start to tell my story. The first thing they said was: 'We believe you.' My nervous system started to unwind from being constantly on edge. The next major step was realising that it wasn't my fault.
The other thing I did was listen to the stories of survivors and advocates, and hear how they processed their spiritual abuse. I have a number of those books you have there. 'Bully Pulpit', 'A Church Called Tov', and 'Something's Not Right' are all on my shelf. I thank God for these authors that have brought language and understanding to many.
Healing is a slow process, but being believed is a wonderful first step! I’m so sorry you can relate to my story, but glad you have begun to find healing.
It’s not your fault, and you aren’t crazy. That reality brings such relief!
I can validate every emotion you’ve had. I too experienced emotional and social abuse from a church that I had supported for 15 years. It’s permanently put me off of organized religion.
Thank you for having the courage to speak up about this. My family has been involved in church ministry longer than I have been alive (nearly 50) - parents were pastors and missionaries - and I have been involved in many levels of ministry and leadership in churches.
In those years of leadership, and being involved in church programs I too have suffered from toxic and neglectful leadership - to the point that I am deeply distrustful of church leadership in general. This church-hurt is making it hard for my to lead myself and my wife to a church where we feel safe, nourished and engaged with (rather than being ignored). It's a journey of healing, and it's ongoing - but God is good and his mercy is forever.
Finding a safe church is hard and sometimes you have to compromise on preferences. We have. But safety is most important (and obviously watching out for heresy). I’m sorry you can relate to my story. It’s a hard one to wrestle through. I’ve prayed for you!
I love your story, and can certainly relate to keeping secrets, forgiving 70x7, confusing betraying Jesus with betraying myself, and all the other lies taught to us from birth by people whose only priority is weilding power over others. And found it interesting that faithful men (your father and husband) were told the same lies and were silenced just as neatly! Thank you for writing. We have so much to unlearn!
I am so sorry you went through all that. I have often wondered about the people who tell others to stay quiet to protect God’s name. God’s name does not need protecting. His name needs to be exalted, it needs to be revered, but the one thing God or His name do not need is our protection. God bless you for speaking out. I pray God heals all wounds for both you and your husband.
Thank you! I think they claim to want to protect God’s name and often they really want to protect their own or their church’s name or an organization’s name.
I was pastoring a church when my marriage fell apart (read between the lines - there is an unpublished story) and I was removed from my first church. It’s been almost 25 years now. Much has been healed of course, Jesus is so cool like that, but some old christian-ese tendencies still keep popping up. People who have been through this understand! The worst part was the pain my daughters experienced.
So hard!! I know that the pain and abuse can often go both ways. Sometimes it’s a power hungry elder running the church and hurting the pastor and congregation. 😢
We have experienced ‘bad’ church scenarios 4 times in our nearly 40yrs of ministry. I’m no longer willing to put us in the firing line! Still following Jesus and happy for hubby to be on staff in a support role at a so far safe church.
Oh so familiar! Thank you for sharing. I’ve been debating the balancing act of if, when, how much to share of my own story. Hearing you share yours and knowing the importance gives me hope that one day my story can help others too. Thank you for opening up and letting us know we are not alone.
You are so welcome! I think it’s important to wait until there has been some healing in our own heart. Until we write from a scar not an open wound. And when we can look back and share without being retraumatized. I’m sorry you’ve also been through this. You are not alone.
Ugh, sorry you had to suffer that. On the flip side thanks for opening up so that those of us who have gone through similar things know we’re not alone…
The way I reacted when I saw the Bill Gothard mention. (I initially misread the sentence and thought your counselor asked YOU if you were familiar with his teachings… that would have been a sign not to trust her. SO GLAD I read that wrong and that you were helped.)
I think we can sometimes have an impression that religious abuse is somehow a lesser form of abuse—that it’s not physical, that it doesn’t come from a spouse or relative, that we’re not bound to that institution, and so it should not be “that bad” and it should be easy to stand up and/or leave with little-to-no negative impact on our lives.
Instead, religious abuse is an attack on the framework we use to see and understand the world, ourselves, and God, often at the hands of someone we have trusted on a level we would trust few people. I’ve seen more friends lose their faith (and sometimes families, spouses, or will to live) over religious abuse than any other abuses. (Which is just anecdotal and in no way meant to diminish the negative impact of other forms of abuse. All abuse is awful.)
The happy ending as I read this is that you got out and survived with your faith intact. I know many who have not been so fortunate. Thank you for sharing your story.
I can relate to so much of this. Thank you for sharing this. I have had so many express shock at how we were treated, it’s strangely refreshing to hear that we are not as alone as we have felt.
It has been fourteen years since we were driven out, and sometimes it still hurts. There’s a lot of healing but still a lot of pain. It just helped to hear a similar story.
Just stumbled onto and subscribed and looking forward to reading more of your writings. Thank you for sharing here in the hopes that it helps normalize someone else's story. Sadly, I am not surprised by any of it. As a minister, I have seen countless abuses of power and the emotional harm it causes is tremendous.
This is everything. It is important to speak about every abuse experienced in the name of religion. Would love for this to become a series that either point out red flags or shows your family’s healing process after all of this.
Thanks for sharing this Christy! It made me cry. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but like you said, God had a plan and He used that pain to grow you. Growing pains hurt. I think you would love our church. We have a lot of broken people who are healing from church hurt, abuse, and broken pasts. We cry with them and point them to Jesus. Our pastor was so hurt from a former church situation that he never wanted to be in ministry again. But God called him to rebuild a broken church, and you cannot say no to God! God brought our family to help him (my husband is the discipleship pastor). We see people saved and baptized every month! It's exciting to be a part of a church that loves broken people the way Jesus does and uses the Bible to heal rather than to hurt. Our pastor often says, "A changed life is the loudest amen." It reminds me of Luke 7:47 - "Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; that's why she loved much. But the one who is forgiven little, loves little."
Thank you for sharing 💔
You are welcome!
I can relate to so much of what you've said. The first step to healing for me was choosing to trust one couple and start to tell my story. The first thing they said was: 'We believe you.' My nervous system started to unwind from being constantly on edge. The next major step was realising that it wasn't my fault.
The other thing I did was listen to the stories of survivors and advocates, and hear how they processed their spiritual abuse. I have a number of those books you have there. 'Bully Pulpit', 'A Church Called Tov', and 'Something's Not Right' are all on my shelf. I thank God for these authors that have brought language and understanding to many.
Healing is a slow process, but being believed is a wonderful first step! I’m so sorry you can relate to my story, but glad you have begun to find healing.
It’s not your fault, and you aren’t crazy. That reality brings such relief!
I can validate every emotion you’ve had. I too experienced emotional and social abuse from a church that I had supported for 15 years. It’s permanently put me off of organized religion.
It’s so hard. I’m sad that you’ve also experienced the pain. It can definitely be hard to trust again. 😢
Thank you for having the courage to speak up about this. My family has been involved in church ministry longer than I have been alive (nearly 50) - parents were pastors and missionaries - and I have been involved in many levels of ministry and leadership in churches.
In those years of leadership, and being involved in church programs I too have suffered from toxic and neglectful leadership - to the point that I am deeply distrustful of church leadership in general. This church-hurt is making it hard for my to lead myself and my wife to a church where we feel safe, nourished and engaged with (rather than being ignored). It's a journey of healing, and it's ongoing - but God is good and his mercy is forever.
Finding a safe church is hard and sometimes you have to compromise on preferences. We have. But safety is most important (and obviously watching out for heresy). I’m sorry you can relate to my story. It’s a hard one to wrestle through. I’ve prayed for you!
I love your story, and can certainly relate to keeping secrets, forgiving 70x7, confusing betraying Jesus with betraying myself, and all the other lies taught to us from birth by people whose only priority is weilding power over others. And found it interesting that faithful men (your father and husband) were told the same lies and were silenced just as neatly! Thank you for writing. We have so much to unlearn!
So much!!
so great to see you tonight!
It was so good to meet you in person and hear you speak. I’m so glad you decided to say more!
I am so sorry you went through all that. I have often wondered about the people who tell others to stay quiet to protect God’s name. God’s name does not need protecting. His name needs to be exalted, it needs to be revered, but the one thing God or His name do not need is our protection. God bless you for speaking out. I pray God heals all wounds for both you and your husband.
Thank you! I think they claim to want to protect God’s name and often they really want to protect their own or their church’s name or an organization’s name.
I was pastoring a church when my marriage fell apart (read between the lines - there is an unpublished story) and I was removed from my first church. It’s been almost 25 years now. Much has been healed of course, Jesus is so cool like that, but some old christian-ese tendencies still keep popping up. People who have been through this understand! The worst part was the pain my daughters experienced.
So hard!! I know that the pain and abuse can often go both ways. Sometimes it’s a power hungry elder running the church and hurting the pastor and congregation. 😢
We have experienced ‘bad’ church scenarios 4 times in our nearly 40yrs of ministry. I’m no longer willing to put us in the firing line! Still following Jesus and happy for hubby to be on staff in a support role at a so far safe church.
It’s really sad how many toxic churches there are. 😭 I’m glad you’ve found a currently safe one. Me too.
Oh so familiar! Thank you for sharing. I’ve been debating the balancing act of if, when, how much to share of my own story. Hearing you share yours and knowing the importance gives me hope that one day my story can help others too. Thank you for opening up and letting us know we are not alone.
You are so welcome! I think it’s important to wait until there has been some healing in our own heart. Until we write from a scar not an open wound. And when we can look back and share without being retraumatized. I’m sorry you’ve also been through this. You are not alone.
Ugh, sorry you had to suffer that. On the flip side thanks for opening up so that those of us who have gone through similar things know we’re not alone…
You are not alone. And I hate that it’s so common. 😭
The way I reacted when I saw the Bill Gothard mention. (I initially misread the sentence and thought your counselor asked YOU if you were familiar with his teachings… that would have been a sign not to trust her. SO GLAD I read that wrong and that you were helped.)
I think we can sometimes have an impression that religious abuse is somehow a lesser form of abuse—that it’s not physical, that it doesn’t come from a spouse or relative, that we’re not bound to that institution, and so it should not be “that bad” and it should be easy to stand up and/or leave with little-to-no negative impact on our lives.
Instead, religious abuse is an attack on the framework we use to see and understand the world, ourselves, and God, often at the hands of someone we have trusted on a level we would trust few people. I’ve seen more friends lose their faith (and sometimes families, spouses, or will to live) over religious abuse than any other abuses. (Which is just anecdotal and in no way meant to diminish the negative impact of other forms of abuse. All abuse is awful.)
The happy ending as I read this is that you got out and survived with your faith intact. I know many who have not been so fortunate. Thank you for sharing your story.
Absolutely! and you are welcome. 😊
I can relate to so much of this. Thank you for sharing this. I have had so many express shock at how we were treated, it’s strangely refreshing to hear that we are not as alone as we have felt.
It has been fourteen years since we were driven out, and sometimes it still hurts. There’s a lot of healing but still a lot of pain. It just helped to hear a similar story.
I’m glad it helped and also SO sorry that you understand and have experienced something similar. 💔
Just stumbled onto and subscribed and looking forward to reading more of your writings. Thank you for sharing here in the hopes that it helps normalize someone else's story. Sadly, I am not surprised by any of it. As a minister, I have seen countless abuses of power and the emotional harm it causes is tremendous.
Hi and welcome! So glad you found me. Thanks for reading. 😊
This is everything. It is important to speak about every abuse experienced in the name of religion. Would love for this to become a series that either point out red flags or shows your family’s healing process after all of this.
Good thoughts!!
Thanks for sharing this Christy! It made me cry. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but like you said, God had a plan and He used that pain to grow you. Growing pains hurt. I think you would love our church. We have a lot of broken people who are healing from church hurt, abuse, and broken pasts. We cry with them and point them to Jesus. Our pastor was so hurt from a former church situation that he never wanted to be in ministry again. But God called him to rebuild a broken church, and you cannot say no to God! God brought our family to help him (my husband is the discipleship pastor). We see people saved and baptized every month! It's exciting to be a part of a church that loves broken people the way Jesus does and uses the Bible to heal rather than to hurt. Our pastor often says, "A changed life is the loudest amen." It reminds me of Luke 7:47 - "Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; that's why she loved much. But the one who is forgiven little, loves little."
This sounds amazing! Where are you located again? Just knowing this warms my heart. 💕