Appreciated you sharing your testimony so openly here. I, too, started life off in a cult, but our family was able to move away and transform ourselves and our faiths. Not quite sure where we’re all going, but God’s taken care of us the whole way through.
I just found Rethinking Faith (and subsequently you) and am going on a bit of a deep dive, so apologies for all the notifications! Although I wasn't raised in a cult, I was raised in 90s/early 00s purity culture in what is probably one of the most conservative Presbyterian denominations — their beliefs are founded on Calvinism, if that has any meaning for you.
While I hold a lot of gratitude for my church and the upbringing I had there, as a 30-year-old I am still untangling a lot of lies my soul clings to about God's love being based on my performance. I very much struggle with feeling "too liberal" for my family and former church while also being "too conservative" for many of my progressive/deconstructing friends, so The Awkward Middle Way is somewhere I very much live.
All that to say, I'm so glad there are voices like yours out there speaking gentle truth to lies about God's character. I loved reading your story and how He met you so personally, and I'm excited to continue my deep dive of your older stuff while looking forward to your future words :)
Thank you for sharing your story. I think it is a great start. Who would have thought that a Christian cult that thought it was doing all the right things was actually damaging souls? But it was.
I first encountered that Romans verse in college, and it changed my life. I kept finding more and more verses that showed me a God different than the one I was raised with, and I will be eternally grateful to the Lord for revealing Himself to me. Your story is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.
I was not raised in a Christian cult, but I can relate to so much of your story. I was raised in the Wesleyan Church of the late 60s through the early 80s. My dad, in fact, was a pastor. I was told I could be anything I wanted to be; I was able to do "boy" things like hunt and fish with my dad, and going to college was a given. But Arminian doctrine is heavy on the "personal responsibility" of man, and avoiding hell was the main thing, and you had to say a certain prayer to get saved, and I was never sure at all that God really loved me. I somehow thought that if I said the prayer the right way (whatever that was), then I would "feel" saved, so I said it over and over, and answered altar calls, and lived in total fear of the rapture. I believed that if you sinned right before Jesus came back and didn't have time to ask forgiveness, that you'd be left behind. I was traumatized as a child by watching "A Thief in the Night" at a Sunday night movie night with a sister church.
And of course we didn't wear shorts away from home, and my dad would never take us to movies, and we knew drinking and smoking were right out of the question. Non-Christian music was severely frowned upon. Dancing was akin to having sex standing up, or something. Not to mention anything that even sounded like a swear word. At six or so, I had a book from the library called "Jeepers Creepers, the Little Frog" and my dad told me that "jeepers creepers" was just another way of saying "Jesus Christ" and was the same as swearing. Yes, he told me this when I was six. He had his own trauma and anxiety and he was terrified of his little girl going to hell. I always tried to be the good little girl, so I wouldn't make God mad at me.
Not until I was in my early 30s did I finally start to get my view of God straightened out. It started with a panic attack. Which, of course, I thought was God finally coming down on me and I prayed and promised to do better. But no, it turned out it was just suppressed grief from my mother's death several months before. But I went to a grief support group, and then started doing church more regularly and listening to Christian radio, and I have to say this ... God can use things to bring us to a revelation of his love, even things that aren't necessarily themselves all good. There are people I listened to on Christian radio that I would not listen to now, and who I believe have done a lot of harm. But the music was helpful, and it was a simple song I was listening to one day at work that brought me to the place of finally realizing he did love me.
Then, one day, I was praying when I had an experience similar to the one you had at 15. The only way I can describe it (inadequately) is that I felt as if I was surrounded and covered by a (non-physical) warm blanket and a sense of complete and wonderful peace and love. As I said, that's completely inadequate to really describe how it felt. And yes, it freaked me out too. It was too wonderful to bear for long. I jumped up and got on with my day (and hoped I hadn't offended him).
So yes, I believe he is real. Which is not to say I haven't had doubts. It's been 20+ years of deconstruction, and unlearning and decluttering and rebuilding. But God is gracious.
Thanks for sharing pieces of your own story! It’s amazing to me how legalism and religion creep into every denomination and version of Christianity. 😢 I’m so glad you’ve found some freedom. God IS gracious!
Appreciated you sharing your testimony so openly here. I, too, started life off in a cult, but our family was able to move away and transform ourselves and our faiths. Not quite sure where we’re all going, but God’s taken care of us the whole way through.
So glad you all got out as well!!
I just found Rethinking Faith (and subsequently you) and am going on a bit of a deep dive, so apologies for all the notifications! Although I wasn't raised in a cult, I was raised in 90s/early 00s purity culture in what is probably one of the most conservative Presbyterian denominations — their beliefs are founded on Calvinism, if that has any meaning for you.
While I hold a lot of gratitude for my church and the upbringing I had there, as a 30-year-old I am still untangling a lot of lies my soul clings to about God's love being based on my performance. I very much struggle with feeling "too liberal" for my family and former church while also being "too conservative" for many of my progressive/deconstructing friends, so The Awkward Middle Way is somewhere I very much live.
All that to say, I'm so glad there are voices like yours out there speaking gentle truth to lies about God's character. I loved reading your story and how He met you so personally, and I'm excited to continue my deep dive of your older stuff while looking forward to your future words :)
Welcome! So glad you found me. 😁
Thank you for sharing your story. I think it is a great start. Who would have thought that a Christian cult that thought it was doing all the right things was actually damaging souls? But it was.
But it was. Kind of like the religious leaders in Jesus’ day who completely missed Him being the Messiah. 😢
I first encountered that Romans verse in college, and it changed my life. I kept finding more and more verses that showed me a God different than the one I was raised with, and I will be eternally grateful to the Lord for revealing Himself to me. Your story is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.
It’s amazing to realize God is so much more wonderful than we’d ever imagined isn’t it? 😊
I was not raised in a Christian cult, but I can relate to so much of your story. I was raised in the Wesleyan Church of the late 60s through the early 80s. My dad, in fact, was a pastor. I was told I could be anything I wanted to be; I was able to do "boy" things like hunt and fish with my dad, and going to college was a given. But Arminian doctrine is heavy on the "personal responsibility" of man, and avoiding hell was the main thing, and you had to say a certain prayer to get saved, and I was never sure at all that God really loved me. I somehow thought that if I said the prayer the right way (whatever that was), then I would "feel" saved, so I said it over and over, and answered altar calls, and lived in total fear of the rapture. I believed that if you sinned right before Jesus came back and didn't have time to ask forgiveness, that you'd be left behind. I was traumatized as a child by watching "A Thief in the Night" at a Sunday night movie night with a sister church.
And of course we didn't wear shorts away from home, and my dad would never take us to movies, and we knew drinking and smoking were right out of the question. Non-Christian music was severely frowned upon. Dancing was akin to having sex standing up, or something. Not to mention anything that even sounded like a swear word. At six or so, I had a book from the library called "Jeepers Creepers, the Little Frog" and my dad told me that "jeepers creepers" was just another way of saying "Jesus Christ" and was the same as swearing. Yes, he told me this when I was six. He had his own trauma and anxiety and he was terrified of his little girl going to hell. I always tried to be the good little girl, so I wouldn't make God mad at me.
Not until I was in my early 30s did I finally start to get my view of God straightened out. It started with a panic attack. Which, of course, I thought was God finally coming down on me and I prayed and promised to do better. But no, it turned out it was just suppressed grief from my mother's death several months before. But I went to a grief support group, and then started doing church more regularly and listening to Christian radio, and I have to say this ... God can use things to bring us to a revelation of his love, even things that aren't necessarily themselves all good. There are people I listened to on Christian radio that I would not listen to now, and who I believe have done a lot of harm. But the music was helpful, and it was a simple song I was listening to one day at work that brought me to the place of finally realizing he did love me.
Then, one day, I was praying when I had an experience similar to the one you had at 15. The only way I can describe it (inadequately) is that I felt as if I was surrounded and covered by a (non-physical) warm blanket and a sense of complete and wonderful peace and love. As I said, that's completely inadequate to really describe how it felt. And yes, it freaked me out too. It was too wonderful to bear for long. I jumped up and got on with my day (and hoped I hadn't offended him).
So yes, I believe he is real. Which is not to say I haven't had doubts. It's been 20+ years of deconstruction, and unlearning and decluttering and rebuilding. But God is gracious.
Thanks for sharing pieces of your own story! It’s amazing to me how legalism and religion creep into every denomination and version of Christianity. 😢 I’m so glad you’ve found some freedom. God IS gracious!
Beautiful. Easy to follow. Clear. Captivating. We must get closer to God by knowing Him. And by talking to Him.
Thanks for the feedback and encouragement!