My faith has been broken down to its foundation a few times. Thankfully the foundation is Jesus- real, true, beautiful, and compelling. The things built up on this foundation can be brought down and rebuilt. But He stands sure and steady always unchanging. Always with me, never leaving never forsaking His promises. Always loving, patient, and kind. As painful as it has been, I am happy for the faith façades to be taken down so that I can know the real Jesus and walk him.
I also came out of a Christian cult, and when I left I also found myself plagued with doubts and questions that felt like they would threaten the very foundations of my faith. The struggle of wrestling with them was one thing - even giving myself permission to openly acknowledge and examine them was, in many ways, much harder.
But through it all my faith in Jesus has never wavered - and it is for reasons very similar to what you described here. My personal experience of His presence in my life - in big, profound moments, and in small mundane ways - make it impossible for me to deny His existence. He has been too manifestly real and present in my life for too long for me to pretend He isn’t there - and if I am willing to acknowledge that He IS, the. I must also admit that there is nothing and no one that I want MORE than Him.
This is BEAUTIFUL! I’m sorry that you’ve also experienced a Christian cult, but SO happy that you have encountered a Jesus so real that He is impossible to leave. Thanks for sharing!
Most of us were likely born into a certain denomination, and there seems to be dozens, if not hundreds. Most professing believers that I have known, have followed in their parent’s footsteps, remaining in their traditional‘Church.’ And there seems to be a ‘built in’ dare, toward anyone that might contemplate ‘breaking away from the flock.’
I agree that it’s healthy for any believer to ‘think outside the box.’ To experience worship with at least a dozen other fellowships, if possible, for the sake of perspective. And take a generous time at it, if the Holy Spirit allows. He has come to lead and guide us in the way we should go, as He counsels us in all things.
“The Word became flesh, and made his dwelling among us.” John 1:14 . .
To remind us all, that Heaven came down, to rub shoulders with each of us, and each of our neighbors, and every stranger that you’ve ever known of. His words reach us when we drive down a highway, and hear exactly what we KNOW that we desperately needed to hear. When we hear a message from His words being taught on an uninterrupted television program. When we attend a revival in town, that we’ve all been invited to attend, with Special guest speakers, or simply reading, and then receiving, like never before, the essence and immediate application of His guidance that one allows in their hearts and minds. But beware the traditions of man, because ‘they’ve always done it this way.’ (though sometimes not scripturally sound). But first ‘Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.’ 2 Tim 2:15.
‘In vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrine, the traditions of man.’
Matthew 15:9. If Jesus came down, to evaluate our hearts, our minds, our preferred Bible teachers, what would he find? It’s a given that he expects each of us to love all people, without prejudice, to be eager to forgive, slow to anger, to tremble at His words, to regard ourselves as ‘unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’ Luke 17:10, with fallen sinful natures, that we all are born into this world with. ‘What does it mean that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak?’
I confess I'm not finding much of this process to be beautiful. Feeling disoriented, feeling like I no longer know where to turn, is hard. Plain and simple hard. I think I actually have met Jesus many times in my life, but right now, in the maelstrom of deconstruction, I can't find him. I'm not giving up, but I'd sure like some encouragement from Jesus in these days.
It is messy and difficult and some days feel more challenging and dark than others. 😢💔 Have you read my book, “Religious Rebels?” It might encourage you as you figure out this awkward middle way.
For a while I thought I had started the reconstruction phase, but I'm starting to think I'm still deconstructing if I cannot find Jesus in my life any longer. My theology of Jesus as the Christ is still intact. What I'm missing is the personal connection.
I think sometimes we need to deconstruct what we think is a personal connection. Some churches emphasize emotions, feelings, words, prophecies, and gifts so we think our experience of Jesus has to look a certain way. But I think that needs to be taken apart too. I’ve learned to delight in some of the ancient contemplative practices like breath prayer and silence and just rest in the knowing of truth whether my emotions are along for the ride or not. What does it look like to experience Jesus? I think it’s different for each person. The Holy Spirit is as unique as our personalities and he knows how to meet us. 💕
Thanks for reposting this! I've been in a season of committed church ministry, yet still find myself in awe of the fact that I'm a Christian at all, especially in the current climate. It's all Jesus.
I'm at a place where I've done a lot of work to correct my thinking, but God is doing a deeper work to heal emotional wounds and it's... Messy. Painful. Hard work.
What habits of healing have made the biggest impact for you?
Oh, the good and messy and painful places. So hard and yet ultimately beautiful. I think one of the biggest things that has helped me heal is learning to lament. Learning to lean into and feel all of those uncomfortable feelings in the Presence of Jesus. I love knowing he can handle my temper tantrums or tears and isn’t fazed. 💕🥲
Christy, I am so sorry you and many others have been hurt by church. It pains me to no end, and I know it is real. I’m also proud of you for not giving up on
In my more than 50 years following Jesus I have been blessed to have never experienced church hurt. That isn’t to say that I have never been part of churches that hurt people, but I have been blessed with what seems to be a unique ability not allow a church to become my identity, and never have I had qualms about confronting leadership and leaving. This likely comes from keeping my eyes on Jesus while allowing myself to experience a variety of faith expressions.
I pray for you and others who have been hurt in their Christian walk. Keep faith. I am sure that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion.
I definitely identify with this post. I’m in between right now. I’m not attending church and I’m okay with it. A few people in my life have expressed deep concern, but I’m okay. I’m more than okay. Jesus is very precious to me right now, very near. I’m breathing deep and praying.
He leaves church with us. 💕 I’m currently attending church again but I don’t think it’s a necessary thing for everyone for sure. But some people definitely act like not going is a terrible thing. Those people have probably never been mortally wounded by church or they wouldn’t act like that. 😢
Truth is, I was like that. I stuffed things so deep down that I just regurgitated what I was told to think and say. Not attending right now is new for me. There is an unsettled feeling because Im “supposed to be in church” while simultaneously feeling at peace with the process and the work God is doing in my heart. I need time and space to heal and move forward. ❤️🩹
I can’t tell you how encouraging this article was to me and a few other friends I sent it to. I have really been struggling with feelings of guilt and also just the sorrow of loss of church community, which we just haven’t been able to work out.
Long story, but I love how you put it, “I can’t and don’t want to let go of Jesus” because I know he is real and loves me. I have experienced his Spirit in my life so many times. I’m just doubting many of the traditions and interpretations of scripture and that I always trusted as more black and white. The awkward middle way is hard and uncomfortable many times. Just trying to keep trusting that it’s ok to be on this journey.
I’m so happy you were encouraged!! It is an awkward and uncomfortable way to walk and yet like you said, Jesus is worth it and He is walking with us. 💕
Love this so much. This is exactly why I'm still a Christian too (albeit not a traditional one), because I've met the Real Jesus and he changes everything!! 🤍🙌
I have worked for 3 different churches, and yeah, apparently I'm a slow learner. All 3 were controlling and the last one nearly destroyed me. But as you said, once you've met Jesus there is nowhere else to go. All the legalism, control, abuse, and lack of love all fade away when you choose to live in His presence. It has not been easy, but He is so worth knowing and believing and loving.
"Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words of eternal life." - John 6:68
I went through every type of abuse while being raised in a fundamentalist Christian family and community. I am asked often how I can stay with Christianity after all I have been through.
I stay because He was and is real. He was at the bottom of every dark pit I was thrown into. He has pursued me and loved me when I was chased out of all my spaces. And while I no longer attend organized services—and see no possibility of doing so in the future—I have found His Church outside the walls, alive and real, and I am finding what it means to be the church instead of just attending one.
But I’m with you. It was always Him, chasing me, loving me, wrapping me up when literally everyone else threw me away.
I am definitely a Christian and in reading some many deconstructing/reconstructing/etc narratives, esp those from white American former evangelicals. . .I have realized that perhaps I have a sort of privilege in coming from a minority culture where yes, there are always narcissistic people and leaders out there- that’s just human!- but our culture and leaders are not intertwined with control and thirst for power on a national stage. Neither is our culture *quite* as obsessed as white Evangelicals seem to be, with specific control of women.
So for those of us who were never white American Evangelical, I think often it’s an easier question. . .the Real God is the one that, more or less, we generally were introduced to. And yes, the Real God is so much more alive and present and clearly powerful than any toxic person or toxic system.
Now, I have been hurt by a pastor of my same culture who had some narcissistic tendencies. It’s everywhere. But one hypothesis I have is that it seems that white American Evangelical women were often taught so intensely to fear man, to be nice, to not make waves—so much that when men let you down, it seems a bit harder to just ‘shake the dust off’ and say goodbye, without questioning yourselves.
I think there’s something bigger going on too. Idolatry of power is being shaken and exposed and I think the American church in 100 years will be a different church. God is blowing fresh wind into His church. It is His and He wants us to find life from it.
I suspect that we must find more unity (including racial unity) and there must be more repentance as we move forward together.
I love this perspective SO much! Thank you for sharing!! I agree that there are issues unique to white American evangelical Christianity. It’s good to be reminded of this. I think it’s also important to be reminded that not all experience Christianity in the way we have. Looking outside of our own perspective and hearing from people who are different is incredibly important. Thanks for sharing! I’d love to hear more of your thoughts.
My faith has been broken down to its foundation a few times. Thankfully the foundation is Jesus- real, true, beautiful, and compelling. The things built up on this foundation can be brought down and rebuilt. But He stands sure and steady always unchanging. Always with me, never leaving never forsaking His promises. Always loving, patient, and kind. As painful as it has been, I am happy for the faith façades to be taken down so that I can know the real Jesus and walk him.
I love this!! And I’m right there with you.
I also came out of a Christian cult, and when I left I also found myself plagued with doubts and questions that felt like they would threaten the very foundations of my faith. The struggle of wrestling with them was one thing - even giving myself permission to openly acknowledge and examine them was, in many ways, much harder.
But through it all my faith in Jesus has never wavered - and it is for reasons very similar to what you described here. My personal experience of His presence in my life - in big, profound moments, and in small mundane ways - make it impossible for me to deny His existence. He has been too manifestly real and present in my life for too long for me to pretend He isn’t there - and if I am willing to acknowledge that He IS, the. I must also admit that there is nothing and no one that I want MORE than Him.
This is BEAUTIFUL! I’m sorry that you’ve also experienced a Christian cult, but SO happy that you have encountered a Jesus so real that He is impossible to leave. Thanks for sharing!
Most of us were likely born into a certain denomination, and there seems to be dozens, if not hundreds. Most professing believers that I have known, have followed in their parent’s footsteps, remaining in their traditional‘Church.’ And there seems to be a ‘built in’ dare, toward anyone that might contemplate ‘breaking away from the flock.’
I agree that it’s healthy for any believer to ‘think outside the box.’ To experience worship with at least a dozen other fellowships, if possible, for the sake of perspective. And take a generous time at it, if the Holy Spirit allows. He has come to lead and guide us in the way we should go, as He counsels us in all things.
“The Word became flesh, and made his dwelling among us.” John 1:14 . .
To remind us all, that Heaven came down, to rub shoulders with each of us, and each of our neighbors, and every stranger that you’ve ever known of. His words reach us when we drive down a highway, and hear exactly what we KNOW that we desperately needed to hear. When we hear a message from His words being taught on an uninterrupted television program. When we attend a revival in town, that we’ve all been invited to attend, with Special guest speakers, or simply reading, and then receiving, like never before, the essence and immediate application of His guidance that one allows in their hearts and minds. But beware the traditions of man, because ‘they’ve always done it this way.’ (though sometimes not scripturally sound). But first ‘Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.’ 2 Tim 2:15.
‘In vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrine, the traditions of man.’
Matthew 15:9. If Jesus came down, to evaluate our hearts, our minds, our preferred Bible teachers, what would he find? It’s a given that he expects each of us to love all people, without prejudice, to be eager to forgive, slow to anger, to tremble at His words, to regard ourselves as ‘unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’ Luke 17:10, with fallen sinful natures, that we all are born into this world with. ‘What does it mean that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak?’
@GotQuestions.org
I confess I'm not finding much of this process to be beautiful. Feeling disoriented, feeling like I no longer know where to turn, is hard. Plain and simple hard. I think I actually have met Jesus many times in my life, but right now, in the maelstrom of deconstruction, I can't find him. I'm not giving up, but I'd sure like some encouragement from Jesus in these days.
It is messy and difficult and some days feel more challenging and dark than others. 😢💔 Have you read my book, “Religious Rebels?” It might encourage you as you figure out this awkward middle way.
I have read your lovely book, Christy - and I enjoyed it very much. But still, the disorientation persists.
It’s hard for sure! Are you still in the deconstruction phase or do you feel like you are beginning to reconstruct?
For a while I thought I had started the reconstruction phase, but I'm starting to think I'm still deconstructing if I cannot find Jesus in my life any longer. My theology of Jesus as the Christ is still intact. What I'm missing is the personal connection.
I think sometimes we need to deconstruct what we think is a personal connection. Some churches emphasize emotions, feelings, words, prophecies, and gifts so we think our experience of Jesus has to look a certain way. But I think that needs to be taken apart too. I’ve learned to delight in some of the ancient contemplative practices like breath prayer and silence and just rest in the knowing of truth whether my emotions are along for the ride or not. What does it look like to experience Jesus? I think it’s different for each person. The Holy Spirit is as unique as our personalities and he knows how to meet us. 💕
I completely agree.
Thanks for reposting this! I've been in a season of committed church ministry, yet still find myself in awe of the fact that I'm a Christian at all, especially in the current climate. It's all Jesus.
I'm at a place where I've done a lot of work to correct my thinking, but God is doing a deeper work to heal emotional wounds and it's... Messy. Painful. Hard work.
What habits of healing have made the biggest impact for you?
Oh, the good and messy and painful places. So hard and yet ultimately beautiful. I think one of the biggest things that has helped me heal is learning to lament. Learning to lean into and feel all of those uncomfortable feelings in the Presence of Jesus. I love knowing he can handle my temper tantrums or tears and isn’t fazed. 💕🥲
I’m glad my essay spoke to your heart.
Yes! I've been reading so. Many. Psalms.
Christy, I am so sorry you and many others have been hurt by church. It pains me to no end, and I know it is real. I’m also proud of you for not giving up on
In my more than 50 years following Jesus I have been blessed to have never experienced church hurt. That isn’t to say that I have never been part of churches that hurt people, but I have been blessed with what seems to be a unique ability not allow a church to become my identity, and never have I had qualms about confronting leadership and leaving. This likely comes from keeping my eyes on Jesus while allowing myself to experience a variety of faith expressions.
I pray for you and others who have been hurt in their Christian walk. Keep faith. I am sure that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion.
May the Lord bless and keep you,
RB
Thank you!! I appreciate you and your encouragement.
I definitely identify with this post. I’m in between right now. I’m not attending church and I’m okay with it. A few people in my life have expressed deep concern, but I’m okay. I’m more than okay. Jesus is very precious to me right now, very near. I’m breathing deep and praying.
He leaves church with us. 💕 I’m currently attending church again but I don’t think it’s a necessary thing for everyone for sure. But some people definitely act like not going is a terrible thing. Those people have probably never been mortally wounded by church or they wouldn’t act like that. 😢
Truth is, I was like that. I stuffed things so deep down that I just regurgitated what I was told to think and say. Not attending right now is new for me. There is an unsettled feeling because Im “supposed to be in church” while simultaneously feeling at peace with the process and the work God is doing in my heart. I need time and space to heal and move forward. ❤️🩹
Love that you recognize that you need time and space and are giving that to yourself. 💕
I can’t tell you how encouraging this article was to me and a few other friends I sent it to. I have really been struggling with feelings of guilt and also just the sorrow of loss of church community, which we just haven’t been able to work out.
Long story, but I love how you put it, “I can’t and don’t want to let go of Jesus” because I know he is real and loves me. I have experienced his Spirit in my life so many times. I’m just doubting many of the traditions and interpretations of scripture and that I always trusted as more black and white. The awkward middle way is hard and uncomfortable many times. Just trying to keep trusting that it’s ok to be on this journey.
I’m so happy you were encouraged!! It is an awkward and uncomfortable way to walk and yet like you said, Jesus is worth it and He is walking with us. 💕
Love this so much. This is exactly why I'm still a Christian too (albeit not a traditional one), because I've met the Real Jesus and he changes everything!! 🤍🙌
Absolutely everything! 💕
I have worked for 3 different churches, and yeah, apparently I'm a slow learner. All 3 were controlling and the last one nearly destroyed me. But as you said, once you've met Jesus there is nowhere else to go. All the legalism, control, abuse, and lack of love all fade away when you choose to live in His presence. It has not been easy, but He is so worth knowing and believing and loving.
"Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words of eternal life." - John 6:68
Yes
I went through every type of abuse while being raised in a fundamentalist Christian family and community. I am asked often how I can stay with Christianity after all I have been through.
I stay because He was and is real. He was at the bottom of every dark pit I was thrown into. He has pursued me and loved me when I was chased out of all my spaces. And while I no longer attend organized services—and see no possibility of doing so in the future—I have found His Church outside the walls, alive and real, and I am finding what it means to be the church instead of just attending one.
But I’m with you. It was always Him, chasing me, loving me, wrapping me up when literally everyone else threw me away.
😭💔💕💕💕
Beautiful writing and I agree!
I am definitely a Christian and in reading some many deconstructing/reconstructing/etc narratives, esp those from white American former evangelicals. . .I have realized that perhaps I have a sort of privilege in coming from a minority culture where yes, there are always narcissistic people and leaders out there- that’s just human!- but our culture and leaders are not intertwined with control and thirst for power on a national stage. Neither is our culture *quite* as obsessed as white Evangelicals seem to be, with specific control of women.
So for those of us who were never white American Evangelical, I think often it’s an easier question. . .the Real God is the one that, more or less, we generally were introduced to. And yes, the Real God is so much more alive and present and clearly powerful than any toxic person or toxic system.
Now, I have been hurt by a pastor of my same culture who had some narcissistic tendencies. It’s everywhere. But one hypothesis I have is that it seems that white American Evangelical women were often taught so intensely to fear man, to be nice, to not make waves—so much that when men let you down, it seems a bit harder to just ‘shake the dust off’ and say goodbye, without questioning yourselves.
I think there’s something bigger going on too. Idolatry of power is being shaken and exposed and I think the American church in 100 years will be a different church. God is blowing fresh wind into His church. It is His and He wants us to find life from it.
I suspect that we must find more unity (including racial unity) and there must be more repentance as we move forward together.
I love this perspective SO much! Thank you for sharing!! I agree that there are issues unique to white American evangelical Christianity. It’s good to be reminded of this. I think it’s also important to be reminded that not all experience Christianity in the way we have. Looking outside of our own perspective and hearing from people who are different is incredibly important. Thanks for sharing! I’d love to hear more of your thoughts.